I remember the first time I got high at fourteen. I laughed until the sound disappeared. I rolled on the concrete. I never wanted to come down. Until one day, it became too scary and friends became sinister. My heart raced and anxiety would crash on me wave after wave. I eventually stopped smoking.
I remember my first taste of alcohol. I was 21 years old. I had no worries, no guilty conscience. Back then, the future moved towards me slowly. It didn’t loom over me and chase me the way it does now. I drank until my confidence spilled over onto the dance floor, into my conversations, guiding my teetering gait down sidewalks, stairs, lawns and beaches with family, friends, lovers and strangers into wee hours of the night for months which turned into years. Until one day, I woke up. My head ached, my sad, puppy dog eyes looked back at me defeated and red. My face appeared swollen and wrinkled all at once. I eventually stopped drinking.
I remember the first time I fell in love. I was 18, 22 and yesterday. I remember the low, sweet baritone voice on the phone in my ear. I remember holding hands and feeling them be squeezed 3 times. I squeezed back 4. I remember the night my heart beat became one with another’s and I cried. God soothed us to sleep with the morning song of 2 birds. I remember the frustration and anger as a lover’s dream turned into a living nightmare of wanting what I couldn’t have and denying others of what I couldn’t give. I remember falling asleep with dread and waking to loneliness, loss and denial.
I hope I never stop attempting to love.
There comes a time in life when we must all face our attachment to things and people that make us “feel good”. We must seek out real satisfaction, longevity and fulfillment. We must balance the gifts that God has given us to enjoy which bring us release and reward such as food, drink, celebration, recognition, money and relationships with the taunt grip of restraint and temperance. When you find your life fueled only by these sensual, temporary pleasures we all eventually run empty and stop.
My prayer to all that have demons (and we all do) is to come to that defining moment when you can’t do anything else but better.