How I Escaped Being A Ride Or Die Chick

*Names have been changed to protect the identities of those involved.

around the way curls

 This post is dedicated to Q. I am forever in your debt. You saved my life. You freed me. I wish you peace of mind and all the happiness your heart can handle. Happy Birthday. 


I am meeting your mother tomorrow to bring her your things. I have gone back and forth on whether to write you or not. I doubt that you will even read this but in this case that you do please read this with an open heart and an open mind.

After much reflection, I realize that hurt people, hurt people. With everything that you have done… you MUST be hurting. There is no other explanation. Unless you are really that cold and lacking any sort of conscience, which I don’t believe is the case. From selling drugs to your own community at the age of 15 (which was your father’s down fall) to deceiving almost every woman in your life… there is no way that you are not hurting. But let me be clear, whatever you are angry about, whatever haunts you at night, whatever you can’t face within yourself, whether it be your father’s absence or your frustration with trying to move forward from this case, that anger does not give you the right to wreak havoc on people’s lives. Your anger justifies nothing.

Ashley, Kesha, Daniele (who you tried to meet up with the very same evening we slept together), Latricia, Verna, Q and I are innocent. We are not guilty of anything besides being foolish. I have racked my brain over and over again in attempt to see where I missed the signs and I really can’t find many. That’s scary Ray… That means you are a con artist and one of the great ones.

It breaks my heart that you choose to live your life in this way. Its heart breaking that a father would CHOOSE to spend his energy deceiving and plotting on good, whole hearted women. It breaks my heart that you go to such great lengths to make your lies believable. It breaks my heart that you put all your energy into such an exhausting life of lies rather that use that same energy to better yourself as a man.

Do you really believe that you can change your life? I am beginning to think not. You actions lead me to believe that you have no real faith in yourself. Here’s what I think, I think you don’t feel like you have what it takes to succeed so you latch on to women and suck them dry. I’m not confident that you  feel equip as a man to care for yourself and your family. So, you supplement with women (love, sex, companionship, money.etc) for your own short comings… your mother included. Be clear, you are playing/played ALL of us.

I want you to know that despite me damn near hating you, I still believe in your potential. I still want to see you win for little Shawn’s sake if nothing else. Anyone capable, of juggling this many women and keeping track of this many lies, all while making it look so easy is beyond talented and beyond smart. You are powerful. You just use you power for evil. And that my friend, is never good. How powerful do you feel sitting in that cell right now? SMH. You are capable of so much more. You owe it to your son. You don’t have to extort and use women in order to win.

Reading your phone made me sick. Verna thought you two were getting married. You even spoke of rings. So, that makes two women you proposed to. She wasted 2 years on you. Chantel wasted 4, and poor Q wasted 6, while raising your son and the list goes on and on. What you are doing is pure evil. My thoughts and prayers go out to every woman you have ever come into contact with.

And your poor mother… she sounded so distraught and hopeless on the phone. I felt awful for her. Do you care? Do you feel any remorse? Does it upset you at all? Maybe? Hopefully? But not enough to change.

You even swore that you were being faithful on your own son… your own autistic, innocent, child… your own blood,,, the being that was made in the likeness of you or maybe not… You can’t love him. You can’t care for him and do the things that you are doing. I know what it feels like to have a father’s love and I can say, Shawn does not have your love. You are not being father to him. One girl told me that she was with you the evening Shawn was born and the morning after. WHO DOES THAT!? But again, you are angry. But Ray, the only way to combat that anger and heal is to be everything to Shawn that your father was not to you. So far, you have only continued the cycle.

I don’t know what is going to become of you, but I do know this, I am going to be fine. The problem is you think you are invincible. You think you are untouchable but baby, you are not. You see, I won. I got you out of my life and in the process exposed you to all of your other women. I bet you wish you never met me huh? My ‘kitty cat’ couldn’t have been worth all this. And I told you the first day we went out that I was no one to be fucked around with. I warned you that I was no joke because karma and God are always on my side. You may have been getting away with this shit all your life but it ended here. The secret is out. The jig is up. Now, you are alone, in a cell, without any women to lean on. I went from holding you down to holding you accountable and that feels great.

Today is my birthday and despite my disappointment and hurt, I am celebrating. I am celebrating because I am not you. I am not so insecure and lacking in self confidence that I need to create false realities, relationships, and worlds in order to just cope with myself. I don’t need to lie in order to function. You think you’re locked up on that island? No baby, that’s nothing, your mentality and way of life have you enslaved. THAT is your prison.

So, with that said, I will continue to love freely and whole heartedly. I, unlike you, have endless choices and possibilities. My future is bright and I am clear that none of this was about me and that it, my life, isn’t about other people. My life is about doing God’s work and it has been done. I won. I’m free and I freed.

I hope that you will one day know what real freedom feels like, only then will you have become a man.

-Sincerely Antoinette

This post is extremely personal and one I am hesitant about. But, the only reason  found out about this con-artist of a man was because  one of his girlfriends/ his child’s mother reads the blog, recognized my name and reached out. That tells me three things: this world is small as hell, God has my back and there are more readers out there going through the same thing. Run. Learn from me ladies. Learn from me. I love you all. 

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49 thoughts on “How I Escaped Being A Ride Or Die Chick

  1. Happy Birthday!!!! After reading this I can only say WOW. I applaud your courage to stand up and speak your mind freely. Something that you said swtood out the most. “I went from holding you down to holding you accountable and that feels great.” How much burden of heartache could be lifted if women would stop holding these men down and start holding them accountable?! I have got to share this with someone today!

  2. It takes alot of character and strong sense of morality to have the courage and boldness to post that letter. The journey to being a complete, whole you will be desperately unbearable at times but I think you’re well on your way. Thank you very much for sharing.

  3. There are so many women who are in/have been in this same situation and need to real this. Thanks for being courageous and sharing this with others.

  4. Antoinette, I feel for you and for all the women that were/are being put thru hell by this man. He is a sociopath – everything your saying is a spot-on description of how the sociopath works. They have no moral fiber – they do not CARE and, in fact, ENJOY the pain and confusion that they cause others. You were blessed to get out when you did; I do hope that any others who’ve fallen victim to his manipulations find out – and GET out (many people stay with socios, even after knowing the truth of them) with as much grace, strength, courage, and wisdom as you did. Blessings.

    • I agree with you. He is. He is also charming which makes him dangerous. He treated me so well. It’s truly unbelievable. It’s scary out here but all you can do is stay prayed up and move on. This to shall pass.

  5. ITA with Laurie and Anetra…It took a lot of courage to write and share this. Antoinette, I am so sorry you had to go through this. You are a beautiful woman inside and out and did not deserve this. None of these women deserved this. There are a lot of women experiencing similar situations and I am sure this will place something in their minds and hearts to reassess those relationships. I am thankful and my heart goes out to the young lady that contacted you, I know she is hurting too. I pray for your continued strength during this healing process.

    • Thank you Margaret. She was a Godsend. I tell her that every chance I get. I’m so lucky to have gotten out when I did. All thanks to her and the wo(man) upstairs.

  6. It’s crazy how reading your story gave me flashbacks of my own. It’s sad how this crap happens every day. What’s even sadder is that as women, we are told to expect this behavior and deal with it cause “all men do it.” If this is as good as it gets, I’d rather be alone.

    • I agree. I’d rather be somewhere chillin with Shanti and JoJo. I’m sorry you have been through it too. But know, you won in the end.

  7. Thank you … Because when a woman starts to realize her power and USE it… shes one unstoppable human !!! Im so excited lol !!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Rise Phoenix !!!

  8. I needed to READ THIS! Its the fact that this post actually stoped me in my tracks of continuing to engage in dirty work of this nature! LOOK. AT. GOD.

    • Oh girl. I hope you listen to you heart. I hope you are in tune with the God within you. I hope and pray you are being true to yourself. You know what to do.

  9. Happy Birthday! Opportunity to start a new year off right.

    Don’t spend more than a few minutes dropping off the things to the mom. Make a clean break, you’ve said all that needs to be said. In fact, you could always mail it and keep it moving.

    Brighter days ahead!

    • I’m not spending any money on mailing anything. That woman was gracious, apologetic and kind to me. All is well. Life goes on.

  10. Happy birthday and thanks for sharing! It’s unfortunate that too many of us have experienced similar relationships. I’m also coming out of something and I tell you the moment I decided I was done life just got so much better! Everyday I just say thank you for the lesson and for my new bestie. She’s the greatest and I think we are so much like you and Shanti. 😉 I don’t think I would have met her if I hadn’t moved on from him. Blessings….

  11. Mouth open in awe! Mentally I am applauding you, literally, for your courage & strength to move above all the madness & for not lashing out at the other women. I thank you for choosing to share your letter. Parts of your letter mirrored my marriage, I’m going to share your letter with my daughter. October is Domestic Violence Month, mental & emotional abuse is domestic violence. Again, thank you for sharing. Peace.

    • Wow. That means a lot. I hope you are okay and find peace within your own situation. Life is short but it’s also very long. Life it.

  12. Amazing! Antionette, you are an amazing person and I’m so glad I was able to meet you during the Curly Nikki event w/ Traci Ellis Ross about a year ago. Your letter was inspiring and so truth baring. Women are always told that they should stand by their significant others while he’s disrespecting himself and you, but you are right in not allowing that to define you. You will find someone else that sees the true value in your worth! God Bless <3

  13. Wow! Thanks for the honesty! This was real! People need to read this kind of thing to realize they aren’t alone & there is hope. Applause!

  14. Girl, if I could hug you, I would. All will be well, but you know this. Thank you for sharing, stay strong, and know that you have helped so many by writing this. Your strength is admirable.

  15. First, Happy Belated Birthday fellow Libra (my b-day was Monday the 14th!)! Second, this post…just, wow! I hate that I relate to this situation. Having been through something similar, I know how hard it is to share and be honest about this kind of situation, and I hate that it seems so common these days. But I love your honesty and am happy for you that you seemed to have had a positive interaction with the other women instead of the typical negative situation where fingers are pointed to everyone but the man in question. But anyway, as a writer, I’m still trying to get to where I feel comfortable writing about my situation and being this honest. I don’t know if it’s embarrassment, shame, or what. Hopefully by reading & re-reading this I’ll get there. So thank you for this!

  16. Wow Antoinette this was such a revelation for you to share! It was slightly haunting because of my personal experience. These type of men come in all shapes and sizes, corporate men to blue collar to unemployed. It is a insecurity within themselves that they mask as charisma and charm. Once you start acting out of character for his pleasure or postponing your own goals…LEAVE! Truth over explanations that “could” be true. I achieved so many of my personal and professional goals without him holding me back. Thank you Lord! Ride or die is a two way street.

  17. I read this and I felt like I wrote it. This is probably because I’ve written a letter just like this to a man that seems to be the twin of this one. I wasted 4 years on my devil (as I like to call him) and I also informed countless other girls about him. So I GET IT. This letter is beautiful. And it’s sad. There are so many con artist men around, that are hurt and in turn are hurting other people. So many women holding down men that need to be left alone and locked away for the safety of society. I remember those 4 years of lies, cheating, scandal, drama, and depression. You would never know because those con artist of a man can treat you so “right.” SMH. But at the end of the day you WIN. Leaving is always a WIN in my book. Like you said you will be MORE than FINE. I hope you enjoyed you’re birthday.

  18. This was me seven years ago. My eyes were opened to what my so-called man was really doing only after I got pregnant. I blew his spot ALL the way up and he ended up in jail on an unrelated matter just weeks later. GOD had to put that man in jail to wake me the hell up, because I was so depressed and insecure that I would have held on even after knowing that he was too damaged to ever reciprocate real emotions.

    In the end, I ended up with the winning hand. I have my daughter, my health, my sanity, and a wonderful man in my life who truly loves me. I walked through hell for damn near fifteen years dealing with that man and the aftermath of our relationship. Time and distance – and therapy! – allowed me to heal enough to accept real love from a good man. So to all the girls out there who are hurting because you’ve been in a similar situation, know that prayer works, time heals, and that there are good men out there.

  19. Thank you for sharing this powerful post. Years ago I was in this situation and I am thankful that I got out of it when I did. It took me a long time to move on from my experience with a similar type “man” but reading your post and the responses from readers gives me faith that as women, we are strong and powerful and are learning that we don’t deserve to put up with that type of behavior. Stay strong and remember the lesson you’ve learned. In the future you will appreciate a wonderful man when he is in your life thanks to your experience. I’ve found the love of my life and he is everything a man should be- I wouldn’t have known this without my own bad experience. Much love girl 🙂

  20. Antoinette, you are amazing for this. Your letter was so very on point. This is exactly what I need to do. Though I feel healed from my situation, I think writing an open letter to him (which I have no real intention of giving him) will elevate me so much more. There are things I haven’t gotten to get out yet.

    I found out who he really was in my ninth month and was so absolutely disgusted. A friend reminded me that I didn’t “see the signs” because only scumbags can recognize scumbag shit. And baby I’m far from that.

    I was already looking for an out anyway. The Universe had my back. My baby couldn’t be born into a lie. I didn’t ever want to spend a life with him and needed to stop wasting time. And BAM there it was. Exposed. My pathway back to my righteous life! Now his life is in shambles and he’s trying to play the come back game. Ha! Never that. My loyalty to my daughter wouldn’t ever let me, even if I wanted to. I won. But I knew that as soon as it was over. Thank you God for putting me back on my axis and letting my daughter be able to grow and see what a Queen’s supposed to be.


  21. I read this and my heart hurt. Not only for you, but because you were speaking my truth that I would choose to turn a blind eye too. Thank you for writing this. Thank you for posting this. Thank you for having the courage to walk away. Thank you for realizing you’re worth so much more than what he decided to give you. While this may come across as presumptuous because we’ve never met, you’re a beautiful soul. Thank you for putting a mirror up that I could not ignore.

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