How Do You Deal With The Other Woman? Blended Families Edition

As we get older and find ourselves still single and dating it becomes inevitable that you may come across a man who has children or was previously married especially in the day and age. I’m curious, how do you all deal with that? While I would prefer him to be child-less/baby momma-less/ baggage-less I absolutely still give them a chance. I met an older women last night who told me that I was a fool for doing that. She said that I was, “inviting unnecessary drama and stress to my life” and that secretly women only entertain these types of relationships because of the ‘challenge’ factor and at the end of the day we just want to feel like victor, the one he chose…we want to beat the other woman.

She went on to say that single men with children should date single women with children. That way they have a better understanding of each other and equally yoked. I have been really reflective lately so instead of getting annoyed or defensive, I just listened to her and examined everything that she said without any ego. I thought, if this women and this conversation found me out of nowhere then it had to have been for a reason. God must be trying to tell me something. But then I woke up this morning only to find Jada Pinkett addressing this very same subject via Facebook:

A letter to a friend: Blended families are NEVER easy, but here’s why I don’t have a lot of sympathy for your situation because… we CHOOSE them. When I married Will, I knew Trey was part of the package…Period! If I didn’t want that…I needed to marry someone else. Then I learned if I am going to love Trey…I had to learn to love the most important person in the world to him…his mother. And the two of us may not have always LIKED each other… but we have learned to LOVE each other.

I can’t support any actions that keep a man from his children of a previous marriage. These are the situations that separate the women from the girls. Your behavior is that of an insecure child who needs to recognize her own weaknesses that MUST be strengthened to take on the task at hand. We can’t say we love our man and then come in between him and his children. THAT’S selfishness…NOT love. WOMAN UP… I’ve been there…I know. My blended family made me a giant… Taught me so much about love, commitment and it has been the biggest ego death to date. It’s time you let your blended family make you the giant you truly are. -J (Jada as always keeping it elevated and  thoughtful)

So, which is it yall? Do you date the guy with kids or not?And if you do, how do you navigate the relationship between his already existing family and you?

Single mammas I want to hear from you too! What’s your perspective? Put me on.

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16 thoughts on “How Do You Deal With The Other Woman? Blended Families Edition

  1. love the article. as a new mother to a son, i will be treading carefully for some time. with his birth i have been reborn, and my rebirth is still in process! i don’t want to refer to children and their respective mothers as baggage, but the less “baggage” the better. I personally don’t want to deal with a psycho baby mamma in the long term, and i won’t be dating or meeting the girlfriends of my son’s father until i get through this period. postpartum is a motherfucker y’all, and my baby daddy is beyond crazy. look up narcissistic personality disorder and emotional abuse if you are interested. thanks for posting for sure! love love love your site!

    • Hang in there honey. A new baby equates to a new you. Be gentle on yourself and stay away from any negativity or distractions at all costs

  2. I’m with you Antoinette. ideally I would love a guy with no kids, and who has never been married, because I have no kids and have never been married, and I’ve always envisioned my partner and I doing those things for the first time, together. However, I don’t think it’s fair to disregard the good men out there who happen to have a little baggage. In the end, I guess you’ll just have to decide for yourself if this person is worth it. Because while I’m sure there are men out there who are , there are just as many out there who aren’t.

  3. As a woman who has never been married or has no children I find it foolish and ignorant to not give a good man a chance because of the 2 factors listed above.
    How can I hold a man’s children or previous marriage against him? When I initially met him I was aware of these things and choose to continue on AND now its an issue? It that’s the case sounds like I am the one who needs to be avoided…
    Just my humble opinion

  4. As a 19 year old who grew up in a blended family I can only look from one perspective. My parents had me when they were 16 and both my parents were from broken homes (Divorce). My mom made the decision to end their relationship after I was born so that they could part as good friends who respect each other. They wanted to never grow bitter and dislike each other like their parents did. My mom, grandma, and I moved 30 minutes away from my Dad. My parents graduated from different high schools. My mom met my stepdad (whom shes been married for 11 years) in her new high school. My father met my stepmom (whom he’s been married 5 years) when I was 16. Because of my parents mutual respect for one another, and a love that was no longer romantic, they were happy for each other. Attended each others weddings. It can be done! But like Jada said, It seperates the women from the girls. My stepdad is as much my dad as the one who concieved me. My stepmom is as much my mom as the one who gave me. My situation may be unique, but it is not impossible.

  5. As I got older, my main goal was to find a nice guy who treats me like a queen. It was important if he had children, that he adored them and took care of them. If you reject a prospective date because he has children, how are you going to find true happiness. I would never reject a guy with the “wrong job, career or lack of education”, because I am not perfect either. Do not be too choosy on issues that a man cannot change. Focus on the quality of the man.

  6. I’m still rather young (just turned 19, woot woot!), so the idea of dating a guy with children kind of creeps me out. But if or when I get to the point where I consider myself ready for children of my own, then the idea of being with a man with kids is no longer off-putting. I love children, all of them. I’m an aunt and big cousin of too many to count, and I know that I want as many kids as possible. If I can add to my family without actually having to give birth, then I’m all for it.

  7. Good discussion. I’m married and we are expecting, so from that standpoint, I’m out. However, I have a friend that is closer than a brother to me and he has a daughter, whom I love dearly. He is probably one of the best men I’ve ever known and he is an amazing father. His child is the result of a committed relationship that didn’t work. I feel like any woman that overlooks him because he has a child is a fool. Yes he has an ex and a child. But ANY woman would be so blessed to have him, he’s that good of a guy. Faithful, generous, loving, loyal, honest, all around good guy. So my advice to single women out there is this: Don’t pass on a man just because he has a child, pass on him because he doesn’t have the qualities that you are looking for. If you’re ready for a committed relationship, you should be mature enough to accept ALL of him.

  8. I thought Jada’s letter, as well as all the comments were very thought provoking. I’m a single parent, with an absentee father…so here’s my thoughts on this:
    I don’t think you should pass on anyone solely on “baggage”. I do, however, think that relationships involving children need to be dealt with differently. All the adults involved need to be in a mature “head space” for it to be a happy union. The term “baby mama/father” exist because there are people who simply can’t deal with another individual in their ex’s or children’s lives and go above and beyond to express that. All of the negativity that comes can be hard on children. I also think, and I speak for myself, that dating while being a parent is complicated, to say the least. Finding time to socialize, deciding when to introduce ex’s and children to the new person…is all a juggling act, that can go wrong really quickly. The more individuals involved, the more complicated it can get. I’ve been single for about 3 years now, I’m not dating, and I have no plans to do so presently because it requires more energy than I have to give at the moment. I think people get wrapped up in “not being lonely” and forget the work relationships require. With children involved, you have to approach the circumstance completely different (from all perspectives) because they should be the priority.

  9. I can imagine that having a relationship with your mans ex would be challenging at best. All parties need to be at the height of maturity for a situation like that to be peaceable. When I was 18, I said that I would never want to be involved with a man who had children from a prior relationship. And at 18 that was feasible because most guys at that age don’t have children yet. be Now that I’m married with a baby on the way, if for whatever reason things didn’t work out with my husband and I was on the market for a new man, I wouldn’t shun one who had kids from a previous relationship. I feel like a man in that position would be more understanding of the fact that I have a child and that it might take some of the pressure off of me to give him a child since he already has children of his own.

  10. As a single mother of two, I really don’t want to date anyone who DOESN’T have kids. I say that because I think that a person who has kids is more understanding of the unique demands that parenthood can have on a relationship. That’s not to say that someone who is childless could not understand dating a person who has children, but it definitely lessens the confusion.

    When I think of myself pre-kids, I know that I would have not had a clue what goes into parenting and how that can affect a relationship. I’m not sure that I could have been unselfish and understanding, but having kids of your own definitely changes your perspective about all of that.

    My kids have taught me what pure, unconditional love is, and what it means to truly be unselfish–just imagine a man who has learned the same thing (whoo–that’s special). I think a woman could miss out on a good man if she allowed his parenthood status to get in the way. By the same token, if she gets involved with a man with children, she should be at a point in her life where she is confident in herself and where she stands in his life so that she doesn’t feel angry or ignored when his kids come before her.

  11. Thanks so much for this post! This is really helpful. I just started dating a guy with a 3 yr old son. As someone who doesn’t have kids (and not sure I even want any), I was a bit hesitant at first. But honestly, him being a father doesn’t change his character. If anything, it adds to it. He flat out thanked me for not blowing him off just because he had a child. And I’m glad I didn’t either. He has such a great heart and is a good person who respects me and treats me well. I thought it would be awkward being around his son, but he’s so freakin’ adorable and sweet, it’s actually easy peasy and fun! The great thing is, he doesn’t expect to a mother/step-mother, or anything else I’m not. All he asks is that I treat his child like a human being.
    Now, as for “baby mama drama,” there is none. They’re in a good place, so there are no problems (so far). I also haven’t met her in person, yet…so who knows…only time will tell. I’m a bit nervous about navigating that situation, but I’m hopeful. I’ve had more drama/issues when dating guys without children. So it really just depends on the situation. But don’t miss out on a good thing!!

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