I haven’t quite been myself lately. I’ve been really down. Even while being surrounded by people I feel lonely. Every so often these feelings creep up and take hold of me. Lately, I have been attributing a lot of it to a lack of intimacy and love in my life. I know it’s deeper than that and that I should figure out how I, alone will be enough… yada yada yada…. but I’m not really trying to hear that right now. Yes. There is a lot of work I need to do in order to be solid with myself but as I work towards that, I realize that I am someone who thrives off of intimacy, affection and love. I need those things. It’s my nature. I am human. People preach all the time about how we shouldn’t NEED anything but I disagree. I personally don’t think there is anything more important than love. I thrive when I am surrounded by people I love and who love me. I think everyone does.
I’ve suffered some major losses this past year. A lot of my relationships have changed. I’m no longer daddy’s little girl which is something I find to be very difficult. I lost someone dear to me who I considered to be one of my very best friends and got my heart broken by someone I really had no business giving myself to in the first place. I’ve been isolated. My work schedule prevents me from getting home to see Shanti and my other bf Amanda and I don’t really have close friend here in NY. It’s been hard. I’m not even going to front. But slowly and steadily I’ve been trying to confront my feelings and own them.
Last year, I wrote a list of what I considered to be my most important relationships (past and present). I reflected on how they came to be, whether they were healthy or not, and whether or not they lasted. Ugh. There were some pattens that revealed themselves and they weren’t pretty. I give myself to people who do not deserve me, who do not respect me and who do not appreciate me. I sell myself short. I deal with people who do not value me. Repeatedly. Why? Probably because I don’t value myself. And to make it worse, I don’t sober up and end the relationship. I instead, ride it out hoping for something to shift or I’m in complete denial until I am used up and no longer of any value to the person.
So now I am trying to break that cycle and end that pattern. It’s not easy. It has resulted in me confronting, battling, accepting and discovering things about myself that are extremely difficult to come to terms with. It has also resulted in me feeling extremely lonely and undesirable. At this point I’m a bit fragile and ready to say, “Forget it. I’m done. I don’t feel like anymore of this self reflection, healing shit”. I reached out to Shanti in one of my late night e-mails and told her how I was feeling. This was her response. *names have been changed.
I love you so much Antoinette. Your my most bestest friend and a person I am committed to keeping in my life forever. I can only imagine your frustration and loneliness. I wish I were closer and carried less responsibility so that I could be with you, listen, laugh and keep you (and myself) distracted from the inner world that sucks us under. I wish I knew the answer to this problem that you face. I wish the answer is easy and simple. But it is not. The work towards change will not be either. The pain of self discovery and healing is so difficult very few even begin to scratch the surface. They escape it through sex (Rick) , work (Ron) and the illusion of having it all together (Bob )(and maybe Kev), (I am totally judging them right now. Forgive me in advance and check me later). I guess maybe what all these guys have in common is that they are so preoccupied with other things whether it be themselves, work or complete autonomy. They had no intention of making you priority numero uno. They could recognize the amazing person that you are BUT you weren’t the first priority in their lives. YOU ARE AN AMAZING, BRILLIANT, WHOLE HEARTED, DEEP, and GIVING person. And perhaps you are so used to giving and accepting the role of NOT being priority that you felt with these men there could have been something. They gave you just enough that even though your heart screamed otherwise you waited with hope more was coming.Make yourself a priority. DO IT OR DIE TRYING. You are learning to do that more and more. Pick up and keeping going and growing. Fall down and get back up again. Know what it is like to be first so that you know immediately when someone is incapable of keeping you there. It wont take you heart break to know it. You will know it after the first conversation. PUT YOURSELF FIRST EVERYDAY OF YOUR LIFE. Not Rina, Reli, me, Amanda, our babies, your mom, dad, work, the blog, acting NOTHING goes before you. Buy yourself beautiful clothes, feed yourself nutritious food, sleep full nights (take herbs that can help– skullcap and valerian), exercise your beautiful body and I think you should consider therapy. It doesn’t mean your crazy or suicidal etc. It means you are putting yourself first and you are on the track of understanding your conditioning and seeking techniques that can help you to re-condtion yourself. We go over the same stuff in our heads and we need help or a different perspective that can help us figure out where the hell it all started and how to heal. Please consider it. Find a spiritual counselor or kind, warm mothery-like woman who you trust to cry in front of. There are reasonably priced people out there. Consider it. I love you dear heart. I am here with you and here for you.
I wouldn’t trade this girl for the world. She is so dear to me. She may not have all the answers but she offered what she could and I love her for it. Friends are so very important and half the reason we even get through the day. It is vital that we surround ourselves with honest, loving people. This chick told me to see a shrink! She is probably right. If you don’t have someone in your life that will write you something like this then I suggest you find someone. If you don’t have someone in your life that will be honest with you then I suggest you find someone. If you don’t have someone in your life that will support you then I suggest you find someone. We weren’t meant to go through this thing alone. There will be ups and there will be downs. Life is hard. But it is much easier with someone by your side.