Every Girl Needs A Best Friend

I haven’t quite been myself lately. I’ve been really down. Even while being surrounded by people I feel lonely. Every so often these feelings creep up and take hold of me. Lately, I have been attributing a lot of it to a lack of intimacy and love in my life. I know it’s deeper than that and that I should figure out how I, alone will be enough… yada yada yada…. but I’m not really trying to hear that right now. Yes. There is a lot of work I need to do in order to be solid with myself but as I work towards that, I realize that I am someone who thrives off of intimacy, affection and love. I need those things. It’s my nature. I am human. People preach all the time about how we shouldn’t NEED anything but I disagree. I personally don’t think there is anything more important than love. I thrive when I am surrounded by people I love and who love me. I think everyone does. 
I’ve suffered some major losses this past year. A lot of my relationships have changed. I’m no longer daddy’s little girl which is something I find to be very difficult. I lost someone dear to me who I considered to be one of my very best friends and got my heart broken by someone I really had no business giving myself to in the first place. I’ve been isolated. My work schedule prevents me from getting home to see Shanti and my other bf Amanda and I don’t really have close friend here in NY. It’s been hard. I’m not even going to front. But slowly and steadily I’ve been trying to confront my feelings and own them. 
Last year, I wrote a list of what I considered to be my most important relationships (past and present). I reflected on how they came to be, whether they were healthy or not, and whether or not they lasted. Ugh. There were some pattens that revealed themselves and they weren’t pretty. I give myself to people who do not deserve me, who do not respect me and who do not appreciate me. I sell myself short. I deal with people who do not value me. Repeatedly. Why? Probably because I don’t value myself. And to make it worse, I don’t sober up and end the relationship. I instead, ride it out hoping for something to shift or I’m in complete denial until I am used up and no longer of any value to the person.
So now I am trying to break that cycle and end that pattern. It’s not easy. It has resulted in me confronting, battling, accepting and discovering things about myself that are extremely difficult to come to terms with. It has also resulted in me feeling extremely lonely and undesirable. At this point I’m a bit fragile and ready to say, “Forget it. I’m done. I don’t feel like anymore of this self reflection, healing shit”. I reached out to Shanti in one of my late night e-mails and told her how I was feeling. This was her response. *names have been changed.
I love you so much Antoinette. Your my most bestest friend and a person I am committed to keeping in my life forever. I can only imagine your frustration and loneliness. I wish I were closer and carried less responsibility so that I could be with you, listen, laugh and keep you (and myself) distracted from the inner world that sucks us under. I wish I knew the answer to this problem that you face. I wish the answer is easy and simple. But it is not. The work towards change will not be either. The pain of self discovery and healing is so difficult very few even begin to scratch the surface. They escape it through sex (Rick) , work (Ron) and the illusion of having it all together (Bob )(and maybe Kev), (I am totally judging them right now. Forgive me in advance and check me later). I guess maybe what all these guys have in common is that they are so preoccupied with other things whether it be themselves, work or complete autonomy. They had no intention of making you priority numero uno. They could recognize the amazing person that you are BUT you weren’t the first priority in their lives. YOU ARE AN AMAZING, BRILLIANT, WHOLE HEARTED, DEEP, and GIVING person. And perhaps you are so used to giving and accepting the role of NOT being priority that you felt with these men there could have been something. They gave you just enough that even though your heart screamed otherwise you waited with hope more was coming.Make yourself a priority. DO IT OR DIE TRYING. You are learning to do that more and more. Pick up and keeping going and growing. Fall down and get back up again. Know what it is like to be first so that you know immediately when someone is incapable of keeping you there. It wont take you heart break to know it. You will know it after the first conversation. PUT YOURSELF FIRST EVERYDAY OF YOUR LIFE. Not Rina, Reli, me, Amanda, our babies, your mom, dad, work, the blog, acting NOTHING goes before you. Buy yourself beautiful clothes, feed yourself nutritious food, sleep full nights (take herbs that can help– skullcap and valerian), exercise your beautiful body and I think you should consider therapy. It doesn’t mean your crazy or suicidal etc. It means you are putting yourself first and you are on the track of understanding your conditioning and seeking techniques that can help you to re-condtion yourself. We go over the same stuff in our heads and we need help or a different perspective that can help us figure out where the hell it all started and how to heal. Please consider it. Find a spiritual counselor or kind, warm mothery-like woman who you trust to cry in front of. There are reasonably priced people out there. Consider it. I love you dear heart. I am here with you and here for you.
I wouldn’t trade this girl for the world. She is so dear to me. She may not have all the answers but she offered what she could and I love her for it. Friends are so very important and half the reason we even get through the day. It is vital that we surround ourselves with honest, loving people. This chick told me to see a shrink!  She is probably right. If you don’t have someone in your life that will write you something like this then I suggest you find someone. If you don’t have someone in your life that will be honest with you then I suggest you find someone. If you don’t have someone in your life that will support you then I suggest you find someone. We weren’t meant to go through this thing alone. There will be ups and there will be downs. Life is hard. But it is much easier with someone by your side. 

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18 thoughts on “Every Girl Needs A Best Friend

  1. I am new to you and Shanti’s blog by way of CurlyNikki and your diffusing video. While I have not looked entirely through this blog and I intend to do so…I had to stop and comment on this particular post. You are beautiful inside/out (I know I don’t know you) and brave (for sharing this with us) and lucky (having a best friend like Shanti).

    I have a friend like Shanti who I had to reach out too as well. I was giving myself to someone who did not make me a priority nor a factor…man didn’t even tell he sold his house…(not going to mention how I found that one out). I believe my friend was tired of seeing me hurt and giving myself and committing myself to someone is was not right for me. Plus I believe she was tired of hearing me complain.
    While this was over 2 years ago and I cannot remember in detail her email to me (I have it printed out somewhere)…I know for sure she and your friend attended a class on how to help friends during difficult times. Your friend seriously sounded a lot like mine. She was caring and loving and gave me that tough love all at once. I love my pup pup.
    I went to therapy myself…I actually enjoyed going and telling everyone I was seeing a shrink. I learned a lot about myself and probably created a tab for facial tissue but it was a wonderful experience. I think you have a great friend in Shanti. I wish the best for both of you and hope your friendship blossoms even more. I am going to continue ripping through you guys’ blog. Many blessings.
    I hope you didn’t mind me posting this type of comment along with it’s length. I was being emotional:)

  2. I know it is a few days before the 2012, however I am a new subscriber and saw this issue on your blog. I love the relationship you two have. This was beautiful and I almost wept during reading. It is so special and you two are truly blessed. Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. 🙂

  3. Antoinette, you spoke to my heart, I’ve been going through the same thing. Giving my self to guy after guy endlessly for little to nothing in return hoping that maybe one day he’ll see how wonderful I am, only to be used up called whenever I was most convienent and beneficial. But I couldnt stop, everywhere I turned, my friends, sister, family had that intimacy, affection and compassion I wanted, I became hopeless, I was taking any and everything. I can’t say I’m completely healed but I’m am coming to a better place, it just made my heart flutter to know that I’m not alone in this struggle. Thank you.

  4. @margraret happy holidays to you as well. Thanks for stopping by. I know, I’m lucky to have her.

    @chelseyme Girl, I go back and forth all the time. I’ve been trying to get to the root of my issue for years now. You are not alone. Never think that way. If you’re feeling it someone else out there is feeling it too. I promise. But I’ve learned that reaching out for help heals. Holding it in doesn’t. People were not meant to go through this thing cal life alone. And now with the internet the world is getting smaller. Support is really just a click away. Kinda crazy but true. But anywhoo, happy new year love.

  5. This post made me emotional. I’ve been feeling like that, lost and depressed.. I felt like I was reading about myself. Crazy how we woman go through so many of the same situations. Only difference is I no longer have my best friend to email, or lean on in any way. We had a falling out, and I’m almost positive we won’t be able to get past it. I’ve been in a fog since then, because everyday it dawns on me that I don’t have her. When something exciting happens, or when my period is coming and I’m feeling fat and wanna go to Wendy’s for a frostee (LOL) I can’t call her and say let’s go.. It’s like I lost a part of myself. And I’m having the hardest time getting past it. Friendships are to be cherished. Good, solid one’s come around very little in one’s lifetime.. I thought I had one that would last. So now, I feel like it’s a lost cause for me. I’m 26.. who’s gonna make friends with me now? I feel more alone than ever. You’re so lucky to have each other. God Bless what you have. Much Love.

    • You know. My other best friend (not shanti) and I had a failing out and I never thought we would get past it. We didn’t speak for years. One night she called upset and distraught and we met. So much had changed. She was way on the other side of the country and as soon as I saw her it was as if nothing happened. Our failing out was serious too. I never thought we would speak again. But we are. We have too much history to let it pass. They funny thing is I contacted her out of no where when beyonce announced she was prego. lol. Her and I LOVE Beyonce. I had to reach out to her. Little did I know that opened up some things for us. I don’t think she would have called month later if that never happened. Reach out and see. And darling it will be what it will be. You will make new friends. You just have to open yourself up to it. Heal first. Then they will come.

  6. Aw Antoinette,

    You need a hug. You are so brave for sharing your thoughts with the world. Shanti is right, please think of yourself. You must put yourself first in your life.

    – Ru Paul said it best : If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you going to love someone else?

    Its hard to make new friends, especially if you are far away from home. I’ve lived in NY my entire life, and the way the city is, its hard to make and keep friends because everything and everyone is moving so fast. I am glad you have someone in your life to talk to, because we all need someone to run to when the world turns upside down. Yay for best friends!

    I know we do not know eachother at all, but I had to show this post some love!

    Stay Beautiful,


  7. OMgosh this just almost made me cry! Been there. Sometimes I am still there. I don’t have a BF but I can say thank God for Jesus! Ain’t nothing wrong with a therapist either. Thanks so much for sharing. It’s always nice to find out you are not the only one! 🙂

  8. There’s nothing like having a best friend. Someone who will love you unconditionally and will be there for you no matter what. This post really touched me and made me smile a bit despite the circumstances behind the post. I too have been there and did not me NUMERO UNO. I had my heart broken and didn’t value myself the way I should’ve. I sought professional help and began my journey of self discovery. I’m still on my journey and I’m in a better place than I was a few years ago. I’m no where near perfect and its not my goal to be perfect but I’m still learning about me and trying to become a better me.

    On another note, I read the above comment about a falling out with her best friend. My best friend and I barely spoke for three years. I didn’t think we would ever be friends again. We would speak if we saw each other in the streets and periodically he would text me but I was almost certain our friendship would never be how it was previously. But things change, people change and somehow the universe comes full circle and works things out. I say that to say you never know how life will turn out. Things that seem impossible somehow become possible.

    Shanti and Antoinette…you ladies are fortunate to be in each other’s lives.


  9. Hi Antoinette! I just heard about you and Shanti’s blog a few days ago and I absolutely love it!! Regarding this issue though, I totally agree with the girl that said ” Thank God for Jesus” bc He helps me get through alot. I would say if you’re ever having another day like the one you described above, you should turn on some contemporary christian music or gospel and blast it really loud. Sometimes we all need little reminders that we’re not alone. And songs that sing about God’s goodness seem to help the most. Hope this helps!!

    • Thank you Jaimi. I agree with you. Music definitely is a go to when I’m down. The Appeal is one of my absolute favorites. Thank you for reminding me : )

  10. I had no we go in this deep over here! Shanti gave awesome advice! When we are sick on the inside we seek a remedy, i feel the same way about when its not right on the inside. Ugh that line about going over the same stuff in our heads rang through to me! Lightbulb moment! Insanity, by definition! I’ve been where you are and affirmed whole heartedly that i deserved to be priority instead of simply being an option. Once i bought into it my world changed! You are indeed lucky to have such a good friend to encourage you! They are rare!!

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