*Names have been changed to protect the identities of those involved.
I am meeting your mother tomorrow to bring her your things. I have gone back and forth on whether to write you or not. I doubt that you will even read this but in this case that you do please read this with an open heart and an open mind.
After much reflection, I realize that hurt people, hurt people. With everything that you have done… you MUST be hurting. There is no other explanation. Unless you are really that cold and lacking any sort of conscience, which I don’t believe is the case. From selling drugs to your own community at the age of 15 (which was your father’s down fall) to deceiving almost every woman in your life… there is no way that you are not hurting. But let me be clear, whatever you are angry about, whatever haunts you at night, whatever you can’t face within yourself, whether it be your father’s absence or your frustration with trying to move forward from this case, that anger does not give you the right to wreak havoc on people’s lives. Your anger justifies nothing.
Ashley, Kesha, Daniele (who you tried to meet up with the very same evening we slept together), Latricia, Verna, Q and I are innocent. We are not guilty of anything besides being foolish. I have racked my brain over and over again in attempt to see where I missed the signs and I really can’t find many. That’s scary Ray… That means you are a con artist and one of the great ones.
It breaks my heart that you choose to live your life in this way. Its heart breaking that a father would CHOOSE to spend his energy deceiving and plotting on good, whole hearted women. It breaks my heart that you go to such great lengths to make your lies believable. It breaks my heart that you put all your energy into such an exhausting life of lies rather that use that same energy to better yourself as a man.
Do you really believe that you can change your life? I am beginning to think not. You actions lead me to believe that you have no real faith in yourself. Here’s what I think, I think you don’t feel like you have what it takes to succeed so you latch on to women and suck them dry. I’m not confident that you feel equip as a man to care for yourself and your family. So, you supplement with women (love, sex, companionship, money.etc) for your own short comings… your mother included. Be clear, you are playing/played ALL of us.
I want you to know that despite me damn near hating you, I still believe in your potential. I still want to see you win for little Shawn’s sake if nothing else. Anyone capable, of juggling this many women and keeping track of this many lies, all while making it look so easy is beyond talented and beyond smart. You are powerful. You just use you power for evil. And that my friend, is never good. How powerful do you feel sitting in that cell right now? SMH. You are capable of so much more. You owe it to your son. You don’t have to extort and use women in order to win.
Reading your phone made me sick. Verna thought you two were getting married. You even spoke of rings. So, that makes two women you proposed to. She wasted 2 years on you. Chantel wasted 4, and poor Q wasted 6, while raising your son and the list goes on and on. What you are doing is pure evil. My thoughts and prayers go out to every woman you have ever come into contact with.
And your poor mother… she sounded so distraught and hopeless on the phone. I felt awful for her. Do you care? Do you feel any remorse? Does it upset you at all? Maybe? Hopefully? But not enough to change.
You even swore that you were being faithful on your own son… your own autistic, innocent, child… your own blood,,, the being that was made in the likeness of you or maybe not… You can’t love him. You can’t care for him and do the things that you are doing. I know what it feels like to have a father’s love and I can say, Shawn does not have your love. You are not being father to him. One girl told me that she was with you the evening Shawn was born and the morning after. WHO DOES THAT!? But again, you are angry. But Ray, the only way to combat that anger and heal is to be everything to Shawn that your father was not to you. So far, you have only continued the cycle.
I don’t know what is going to become of you, but I do know this, I am going to be fine. The problem is you think you are invincible. You think you are untouchable but baby, you are not. You see, I won. I got you out of my life and in the process exposed you to all of your other women. I bet you wish you never met me huh? My ‘kitty cat’ couldn’t have been worth all this. And I told you the first day we went out that I was no one to be fucked around with. I warned you that I was no joke because karma and God are always on my side. You may have been getting away with this shit all your life but it ended here. The secret is out. The jig is up. Now, you are alone, in a cell, without any women to lean on. I went from holding you down to holding you accountable and that feels great.
Today is my birthday and despite my disappointment and hurt, I am celebrating. I am celebrating because I am not you. I am not so insecure and lacking in self confidence that I need to create false realities, relationships, and worlds in order to just cope with myself. I don’t need to lie in order to function. You think you’re locked up on that island? No baby, that’s nothing, your mentality and way of life have you enslaved. THAT is your prison.
So, with that said, I will continue to love freely and whole heartedly. I, unlike you, have endless choices and possibilities. My future is bright and I am clear that none of this was about me and that it, my life, isn’t about other people. My life is about doing God’s work and it has been done. I won. I’m free and I freed.
I hope that you will one day know what real freedom feels like, only then will you have become a man.