The honor of having my world turned upside down by you and your unexpected presence. The verge of motherhood is one of the most beautifully humbling spaces there is. It’s a feet first drop into a submission like no other. Especially when it’s unplanned.
There are certain things you don’t even consider about your own existence until you are met with the mission of creating and preparing another life. We think we have a solid idea of what motherhood is until we have actual life within us. It’s an otherworldliness. A tiny little being with such grand presence resting in the center of not only our body but now, all of a sudden, our lives. Until I was pregnant myself, I’d never considered how much of an honor it was to sit in the womb of my own mother. I was prepared inside of her. The most beautiful person I know. I got to be there. Cared for, Loved by, and wanted by her. Also an unexpected pregnancy. Still she wanted me before she even knew me and was determined to see the challenge through. And she’s done so, AMAZINGLY. I think about that as I reflect on my friends’ loving comments of how lucky this child is to be living in the sunshine that is me Lucky to be in this body, apart of this mind, acquainted with this spirit, meshed with this soul. I take great pride in that Love and confirmation from them.
But before I arrived at this confidence about to my impending mommyhood, before I’d even told a soul besides my partner and now co-creator, I was a well of confused emotions. For weeks I walked around in a daze not knowing how to feel about this little surprise, who I already loved more than anyone else. All of my “plans,” would now have to be changed, rearranged, canceled, or reconsidered. In my view, this year I was to be relocated to LA by spring, traveling to Bali in June, and in business for myself come fall. (I’m currently working on that last one). I’d spent much of 2012 begging the Universe for some sort of sign to lead me to what I should be doing with my life. What exactly was my purpose here on Earth? Every time I felt I was getting close, I’d be led in another direction. And now this.
I knew that motherhood is not a life to enter into lightly or without careful thought. I also knew this couldn’t be a decision I based on anyone else’s opinions of my life and how they thought it should be. Somehow, people will always have opinions about things they’ve never even experienced. None of those should be considered. I was lucky not to have any of those meet my ears.
One late night as I lay thinking in bed, it all became so utterly and beautifully clear. The answer was spoken in unmistakable words. Something beautiful is waiting if I’d just submit to Life. Say “Yes.” Breathe. Flow with it. The Universe’s view is much bigger than our own. I quickly came to realize that life is not just about MY plans. It’s all connected and I don’t have the full picture. I don’t have the best view. The Universe does. My view of it All is laughable in comparison.
Yes, motherhood is bye-bye to the old me. I now know this to be the greatest blessing. I can now step into the greatest parts of myself. I must. I will have a little one watching and taking note of what a Queen is supposed to be. That’s a great privilege of motherhood. There is a strength that comes as you stand on the threshold of motherhood that cannot be explained. Once I heard one of my younger friends say while thinking out loud, “I bet when you become a mother, your ovaries turn into crystal balls.” Though half joking, she was perfectly right! Like Shanti said once to me, choosing motherhood is choosing “the path to expedited wisdom, purpose, and self growth.” I am thankful for that. It is an opportunity to birth the change I wish to see in the world. I now have someone not only whose wellbeing is counting on my success, but whose success is counting on my example. And I will be the best example. The best example of self-Love, presence, happiness, determination, perseverance, divine beauty, and unconditional Love. In 7 short weeks, I step into that nomination.
It’s so amazing to carry a child. To be trusted with that task. With that kind of deciding power. My life was amazing before. Now it will never be the same. And for that, I am forever grateful to you my Sun Baby. Excited to meet you soon, my Love.
P.S. I know all too well how important it is to feel supported during pregnancy. I’ve been blessed to have an AMAZING support system made up of sister-friends, family, and my partner. Please feel free to contact me about any and everything regarding pregnancy, natural childbirth, or WHATEVER! firstname.lastname@example.org. And I’m always lurking around Instagram: @zulu_newnew.
Peace, Power, and Love to any of you beauties preparing for your own initiation into the world of motherhood. With or without your “planning.” Thank you Shanti for your encouragement in the beginning of all this. Bless.
Shakara you look beautiful. Blessing to you and your new family. Good luck on your birth! You can do it mama!